On Beards
(Excerpt from the Winter on Cape Ann and Other Stories / Go West.)
And I did feel like a new man without a beard and I wasn’t certain I liked it and it had more to do with the inevitable reactions and people were like that when you changed quickly on them and I hadn’t then save for appearances and it was the point. Physically — anything had to fly, without comment. Which was exactly as it was with Katherine that night. A smile and a perfectly toned “How you doing?” “Good. Very — good,” was all we needed to say about my beard and lack thereof. I could and would always be growing a beard and now she knew some part of that and I was happy to share it with her. What I liked about Gloucester was the certainty of going to the bars the day after Christmas. It did feel really nice to be back, drinking a pint. I stopped writing My Last Twelve Camels because I had smoked them and didn’t feel like writing about what it felt like to not smoke anymore. It sucked and I shaved my beard instead just to see what it felt like, and now I will be seen less, and seem more exposed and I could hide behind a beard and I was done hiding for the time. The next beard would be again for nothing and I guess I was glad to be on to the next thing and I guess shaving such an epic beard had to mean something, and it didn’t really and that was all there was in those days and others. I wondered then how Annie would react and I hoped she’d touch my face and I thought we should exchange phone numbers soon and I wasn’t sure I wanted to see people often except on my terms. I hated the obligations and I liked Jenny because she helped remind me of that in the way she kept me where she did while she handled her stuff.
It was the day after yesterday as it had been often in those days and for a while before and after and I knew this particular day would be like others in some regards and completely unique in its own way and I was confident whether or not I made it the day would end and the next would begin and there was always the chance I was wrong and I was ready for that too.
I felt very different without a beard and I think I was becoming physically ill. It was cold and I had been drinking all month and it was strange to talk with a stuffy nose to Katherine for the first time and I did decide to pay with a credit card in case she was too flustered and forgot to listen when I answered her with my name. She too felt the desire for more with me, and what more was there? At the time what we had was perfect and I was glad that she felt compelled to ask my name after seeing me beardless and essentially nude in how I felt.
And it was strange to go unrecognized at The Rhumb Line, even to the dude who asked me if I was Jesus a few nights ago. The better you looked, the more you saw and The Rhumb Line may have been full of ground apples. I did feel strange writing in public without the beard. People expected a lot out of you always and maybe I did too and it was hard not to and I thought I expected other maybe better things than others did and without the beard it was hard to feel consistent.
And I did really want a cigarette or a joint and this pint would have to do and I realized there was not too much to talk about and all I was doing was waiting for Annie to notice me and I wasn’t certain she would and maybe I would get to rag on her for it. Man did I feel like an impostor without my beard which was such a strange feeling and I knew it was good to feel and I think some of it had to do with quitting smoking and I was scared because I liked smoking and I wanted to feel the way I did when I smoked and I think a lot of the unrest had more to do with not having a direction again and it was ok. I would find one and continue to work on my mental strength and continue to not take Alba personally. She was a silly girl and I had to know that then and in the future and men needed silly girls for many reasons and at that point I just wanted someone who wanted to be nice to me and I got hotter without the beard than I used to and ‘wondered if’ I was getting sick and what to do about it. It is strange where the mind goes and ends up, and I knew and felt differently than before. It was part of that time in my life and I had to stop giving a shit about how I looked and only care about how people acted towards me, in this regard only. I wanted enough attention to feel not lonely and entertained and my mind was lost and I didn’t know what I wanted from women or men and all I really wanted to do was write and make money at it and I wanted it to not feel strange anymore to exist.
Regardless of how I looked it felt good to feel the peach fuzz on my dome and I knew it would be ok as it always was and Chaz was drunk next to me as he had been other nights and tonight he let me work and I didn’t look like Jesus anymore and I was surprised with so many similar features how I went unnoticed and I realized I was still a stranger in this town. No one knew anything about me and a quick do-slice and I was new again and I had just been making friends and now I would have to meet new people again and I would observe the differences in how an unbearded man would be treated. I was weaker and tougher in equal regards and anyone who looked people in the eyes wouldn’t notice a change and I knew Jenny would think I still looked good. I should have called her as soon as she texted and my phone was dying and at least I would have heard her voice. I wanted to see her smile though and Annie was about to sing so I would get to see her smile when she saw how my chin looked when I smiled.
